Things I Have Learned (part 2)

Isaiah 53:1–6

I want to talk about pain once more and then I am moving on. There was about a 12 hour window where my pain was pretty excruciating. I have a high tolerance for pain and I was in tears around 4am the Friday morning I was placed in CCU. As tears rolled down my face and I couldn't wipe them, Michelle asked me, "What's wrong?" I said, "I hurt all over, in my joints". For hours she and my little sister Jenna rubbed my hands and feet because it was the only relief I got. Meds were questionable because the doctors were afraid of shutting down my lungs. (I want to add Jessica, Joshua, mom, and dad were by my side and took turns holding my hands and offering comfort).

I had to have a 2 hour MRI of my whole body. Being still was not a problem since I was paralyzed, but that paralysis is what hurt. During the longest segment of the test, I was laying on the table and my back was killing me. I thought, "This has to be about over". Recognizing clicks and bangs, I knew we had entered into a third segment. I told myself "I can handle one more". I also did a lot of praying. Then a 4th segment began. I thought, "I can't do this". I grimaced through it and thankfully that was the last segment of that scan. As they rolled me out of the tube tears streamed down my face again.

The staff was so compassionate and they offered to give me a break, but I wanted to get it over with. They moved my hands and legs for some relief, and then we began scan three. While this one was shorter, it was still agonizing to lie in the same position for half an hour. As I lay there crying and praying, my mind slipped into the Psalm and the cry of Jesus on the cross, "My God! My God! Why have you forsaken me?". I did not feel forsaken of God, but the scripture came to mind. That is when I learned a great lesson.

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Who has believed our report? And to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed? For He shall grow up before Him as a tender plant, And as a root out of dry ground. He has no form or comeliness; And when we see Him, There is no beauty that we should desire Him. He is despised and rejected by men, A Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. And we hid, as it were, our faces from Him; He was despised, and we did not esteem Him. Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed Him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed. All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned, every one, to his own way; and the LORD has laid on Him the iniquity of us all.

Isaiah 53:1–6

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It was in this moment that God reminded me of just how blessed I was. Yes, there was severe pain, but I had so much love and support all around me. God had placed caring and compassionate staff throughout my journey. I didn't know it yet, but there would be so many calls, visits, cards, and Facebook messages to encourage me. What God taught me in that MRI tube is that Jesus truly understood what I was going through.

Isaiah tells us that Jesus was utterly rejected by man. As such, His suffering was done alone. Even those who wanted to be by His side, like His mom, were not allowed. His suffering was done alone and without comfort. Laying in that tube I thought, "My hands hurt and His hands hurt. My feet hurt and His feet hurt. My back hurts and it was His side, but I have people with me and He had no one". My prayer shifted at that point to one of gratitude that I had a God who understood what I was dealing with better than I did. I still pleaded for Him to be with me, but I rested in the fact that I knew He understood.

I love stories of God's grace. There are times when God takes pain completely away. Praise Him for those stories. There are times when God brings complete miraculous healing. Praise Him for those stories. There are other times when He gives the grace to endure. As He told Paul, His grace is sufficient. Praise Him for those stories as well.

What I desired, and continue to desire, through all of this is to know God better and to look more like Christ. God showed Himself to me in a way that I could never have known in perfect health. God showed me just how loved I am, not just by Him, but by so many around me. I am blessed.

Father, thank you for the lessons learned. I pray that I never forget them and continue to stand Amazed in the presence of Jesus!